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Wednesday, July 9, 2025
Unemployed Man Being “Kept In Mind” for 112 Future Opportunities
BROOKLYN, NY — In what he’s calling “potentially great,” a local unemployed man has been assured he’s being kept in mind for a staggering 112 future opportunities across multiple industries, time zones, and planes of existence.
The man says that while he didn’t receive real offers, he’s bolstered by all of these recruiters who are “very interested” in his background, and he doesn’t feel like he’s being strung along at all.
“It’s honestly overwhelming,” he said, staring at a color-coded spreadsheet labeled Maybe Someday. “So many companies are thinking about me in a non-committal, low-effort kinda way.”
At press time, the man was updating his resume to include “emotionally shortlisted.”
He remains open to roles that align with his skills, values, and willingness to work indefinitely for exposure.
Monday, July 7, 2025
Unemployed Man Accepts Job Offer From Self, Immediately Quits Over Culture Fit
BROOKLYN, NY — In a whiplash professional development, a local unemployed man reportedly accepted a full-time position at his own LLC, only to resign hours later, citing “a misalignment of values and vision.”
The offer came after a 15-minute interview with himself during a 2 p.m. shower, which he described as “energizing, yet caged.” Sources close to the man say he was excited about the role’s potential for growth, autonomy, and half-off snacks.
“I thought working for me would be liberating,” the man said, pacing his apartment in business casual pajama pants. “But right away I noticed red flags. Unclear direction, brutal expectations, and kind of a toxic inner monologue.”
By 3 p.m., he had removed himself from all comms channels (a single Google Doc titled “My Startup?”) and written a formal resignation letter addressed “To Whom It No Longer Concerns.”
Wednesday, July 2, 2025
Unemployed Man Updates Resume Font
BROOKLYN, NY — After months of staring at Times New Roman, a local unemployed man took bold, underlined action by changing the font on his resume.
“I just woke up one day and decided to go sans,” said the man, who asked to remain anonymous but also asked us to use italics in his quotes. “Serifs say ‘corporate drone with moderate anxiety.’ Now that I’m sans, I’m a ‘dialed-in innovator with mild anxiety.’”
Sources confirm he chose Montserrat after briefly considering Calibri, then spiraling for forty minutes on Reddit about “fonts that don’t make you seem desperate.”
The resume, which otherwise remains unchanged, now has “more air,” “better vibes,” and a header that “feels elevated but grounded.”
When asked if the change was likely to impact his job prospects, the man said, “I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I do feel like my energy has shifted. I also saged the document folder, just in case.”
Monday, June 30, 2025
Unemployed Man Launching Workshop Teaching Others To Be Unemployed
BROOKLYN, NY — Citing a “surplus of lived experience,” a local unemployed man has announced a new three-part series aimed at helping others slide into unemployment with grace, delusion, and Google Sheets.
“People think being unemployed is easy, but it’s actually a deeply spiritual practice of letting go, waking up at 10:30, and convincing yourself that job rejection is simply ‘divine redirection,’” he said.
The course, titled NO MONEY NO PROBLEMS, includes modules “Inbox Zero, Hope Zero,” “How to Eat Six Sandwiches A Week,” and “I Swear I Did This Yesterday.”
The man, who claims he has been “doing the work” since Q4 of last year, said the goal of the series is to empower others to lean in, “not into opportunity, but into the void.”
A fourth bonus session, “Coffee Shop Office” is currently in development.
Wednesday, June 25, 2025
Unemployed Man Gets One-of-a-Kind Laptop “Sunburn”
BROOKLYN, NY — A local unemployed man displayed what three dermatologists separately described as “basement-dwelling weirdo skin pigmentation” after spending 99% of his waking hours bouncing between different screens.
While most of his time is spent searching for jobs on his laptop, a good chunk of his day is then spent on his phone or sitting in front of the TV.
“I guess it’s kind of beautiful,” he said, staring at the blue-white glow of ‘Final_Draft_CoverLetter_v6_REAL_FINAL.docx’. “The doctors said this hue of skin color only exists on sci-fi shows. Not the mainstream ones, but the obscure ones that do crazy stuff to get attention.”
After asking for a treatment plan, the man said his doctors simply told him to log off and reconnect with another living person in real life.
“I’ll get around to it,” he said, walking over from the desk to the couch, turning on the TV with one hand and playing Candy Crush in the other.
Monday, June 23, 2025
Unemployed Man Really Close to Offer From Neighbor’s Kid’s AI Startup
BROOKLYN, NY — In what could be a very lucrative move if 128 things happen in precise order and time, a local unemployed man is very close to taking a job at a startup.
Turdlr, an AI startup created by the man’s neighbor’s 12-year-old son, is an AI app that creates incredibly realistic images using poop as the creative medium. Its primary use case is for sending an artistic “sick burn” to your enemies by uploading a real picture of them into Turdlr and then getting a Turdlr-ified version of their photo that you then send to them.
“I’m just really looking forward to working with a company that’s on the bleeding edge of AI tech,” the man said. “I can’t wait to ramp up and start diving into the GTM for Turdlr, I really think it’s going to revolutionize poop as an art form.”
Thursday, June 19, 2025
Unemployed Man Can’t Believe He Just Put LinkedIn App On His iPhone Homepage
BROOKLYN, NY — Having the app at all is one demoralizing thing, but one local unemployed man is beside himself for moving the app to his iPhone homepage.
“It’s one of the first things I see when I pick up my phone and it gives me the opposite of a dopamine hit. Like, this isn’t what the phone is made for, y’know? The phone is supposed to be a portal to joy,” he said.
“Imagine opening up a carton of ice cream and instead of like, Cherry Garcia or whatever flavor, it’s Circle Back Blandness or Cardboard Cutouts or RTO Rage Chip.”
Tuesday, June 17, 2025
Unemployed Man Nabs Coveted “Best Unemployed Man” Award
BROOKLYN, NY — In an emotional speech to his AI colleagues while sitting alone at his dining table, a local unemployed man graciously accepted an award that he completely made up.
“I’d like to accept this on behalf of my family and my partner, all of whom have supported me in more ways than just financial,” he said in his acceptance speech. “Without you, I wouldn’t have been able to focus so intensely on being the best unemployed man I could be. And to the 259 recruiters who I’ve reached out to, whether you acknowledged me or ghosted me, you validate my win just by existing and being a possible connection that fuels my search for a job, so thank you,” he went on.
“And lastly, I’d like to thank my previous employer. I wouldn’t be accepting this award if it wasn’t for your ruthless dedication to turning a red number black. Hats off to a real one.”
Monday, June 14, 2025
Unemployed Man Selling Bodily Fluids He Didn’t Even Know He Had
BROOKLYN, NY — In an attempt to make some extra money during a dry spell of job leads, a local unemployed man is turning all kinds of stuff from his body into cash.
“There’s that joke that you could always sell a kidney, or something like that, but I’ve sold way weirder things than that and didn’t even have to get surgery,” he said.
“Blood and plasma are the obvious ones. But a guy wanted to extract some of my stomach acid for an experiment. This beef company paid me to eat a ton of meat and then harvest my sweat for a study. A woman in a weird outfit paid me for a jar of my tears from crying about not having a job.” he said.
“That was a pretty weird day. But I made a hundred bucks.”
Friday, June 13, 2025
Unemployed Man Claims He Can Communicate With Dogs Now
BROOKLYN, NY — There’s a whole world of dog communication beyond just “sit” and “roll over” claims a local unemployed man, who says he has unlocked a higher form of understanding with his dog.
“We talk about his favorite TV shows a lot,” he says. “He is really into reality TV, which isn’t my favorite so he must be watching when I’m asleep.”
The man says the most surprising subject? Politics.
“He knows more than I do. He knows who our city council representative is. He knows the commissioner of the parks department! Which makes perfect sense, I mean that role handles a lot of the issues that are most important to him,” he said.
Thursday, June 12, 2025
Unemployed Man Pretty Useless By Friday
BROOKLYN, NY — And he thought having a job was exhausting.
A local unemployed man drags himself out of bed on Fridays for another day of typing, searching, scrolling, reading, messaging, interviewing, fake smiling, and replying.
“By Friday, my brain is like a potato chip,” he says. “Fried, thin, and salty as hell.”
Wednesday, June 11, 2025
Unemployed Man Picks Up Fourth New Hobby
BROOKLYN, NY — First, it was collaging. Then, it was learning to play the piano. Next, he got very serious about folding table napkins into animals like they do on cruise ships.
But the latest hobby for a local unemployed man is the most ambitious and annoying one yet.
“I’m interviewing random people on the street and asking them how much money they would pay me to do random things on my Dare List,” he said.
The so-called Dare List includes things like breakdancing on the sidewalk, eating a live goldfish, and screaming “penis” as loud as he can.
And how’s the money so far? It depends on the day.
“One guy gave me five bucks to turn all of my clothes inside out. On that same day, someone paid me ten for the shirt I was wearing. It was one of my nicer ones from Madewell and he saw the label,” he said. “I really liked that shirt too, so I’m only wearing cheap t-shirts when I go out with the Dare List now.”
Asked how long he plans to stick with this hobby, he seems unsure.
“The most I’ve made in a day is fifty dollars, but I also had to buy three goldfish at PetSmart. I netted maybe thirty, and I felt bad later. From upset stomach, not from eating the goldfish,” he said. “So I think if I keep doing this, I’ll probably take that one off the list.”
Tuesday, June 10, 2025
Unemployed Man Getting Really Fast at Filing for Weekly Unemployment Benefits
BROOKLYN, NY — “When my fingers are warmed up, I can knock it out in like 8 seconds,” said a local unemployed man who has committed the buttons and dropdown boxes on the unemployment claims website to memory.
“It’s pretty easy. It’s just ‘zero, no, none, NA, yes, no, no, no' and then you hit submit. It’s more like a game the way I do it, and then you get paid,” he said, his smile fading.
Monday, June 9, 2025
Unemployed Man Gets Brief Flash of Hope Every Time An Email Comes Through
BROOKLYN, NY — It may just be microseconds, but it’s enough dopamine to keep a local unemployed man laser focused on switching tabs to his email inbox once every half hour.
“That possibility that one of those emails could be about a job really keeps me going. Well, that and the need to find a job so that I have healthcare,” he said.
“The rush is even bigger when it’s from a real person’s name and not one of the 400 promotional emails about retail sales, pills, cheap flights, Substacks, bills, bitcoin, or Hypebeast,” he said.
Friday, June 6, 2025
Unemployed Man Almost Posts Cringe Inspirational LinkedIn Message
BROOKLYN, NY — His cursor was hovering over the “post” button, a close call that nearly put a local unemployed man into a category of LinkedIn users that have been described as optimistic, cheery, and try-hard.
“I tend to avoid that type of attention-seeking behavior,” he said, “and I almost caved in a moment of desperation.”
Struggling with “staying top of mind,” among a basket of other annoying buzzy phrases, the man said he was looking for a way to use the platform to do what most people are on there doing: content hacking the algorithm for engagement.
“It’s always ‘algorithm this, algorithm that,’ like, how ‘bout you all-go-rhythm-ically [redacted] yourselves,” he said.
Thursday, June 5, 2025
Unemployed Man Invents New Sitting Position Specifically for Job Searching
BROOKLYN, NY — He’s never taken a serious yoga class, but a local unemployed man spends each day contorting his body into an efficient, job-searching, organic machine.
“Those manuals that tell you how to sit up straight at a desk have it all wrong. That’s not how you do it if you want to maximize productivity finding a job,” he said. “It’s actually more of a half sit, half lay, but on your side. Laptop in front of you. And you have to build your toe muscles so you can grab things from a nearby surface without getting up.”
Demonstrating the maneuver, he added “Another reason this is optimal is that if you get sleepy, you can just pass out for a few minutes, easy peasy. And when you wake up, maybe you have some emails to read. It’s really foolproof.”
Wednesday, June 4, 2025
Unemployed Man Downloads 38th Productivity App
BROOKLYN, NY — Pushing the boundaries of the capacity of both his iPhone and his mental state, a local unemployed man has just downloaded yet another productivity app, in what can only be described as evidence that something isn’t working.
Reached for comment, the man says he’s focusing on small wins.
“At first you think an app is going to change your whole life around. Get you to work out everyday. Overhaul your diet. Journal when you wake up. But nah, I think downloading the app itself is a productive step. It shows intent, even if you never open it. My small wins are adding up,” he said.
Tuesday, June 3, 2025
Unemployed Man Getting Coffee With Just About Anyone
BROOKLYN, NY — Friends, old colleagues, street buskers, and even his Uber driver are just a handful of the people a local unemployed man has recently approached to have a coffee.
“I started doing this to catch up, build my network, and find job leads,” he said. “After a few hundred coffees, I needed more. New people to do caffeine with. I was asking random people to get coffee, people passing by on the sidewalk or on the train. Maybe they have a job I can do. Maybe they want to connect. Whatever I need to get my coffee fix.”
Monday, June 2, 2025
Unemployed Man Takes Another 2 PM Shower
BROOKLYN, NY — Without the restrictions of typical office hours, a local unemployed man decided to roll into the shower at 2 PM for a third straight day.
His neighbors haven’t said anything because they’re normal people with regular jobs, which has done wonders for the amount of hot water he can use when he’s in there.
“I can shower for 20, 30 minutes straight,” he said. “No one bothers me, I don’t run out of hot water, and I can even play WORDLE on my phone when I’m in there.”
Friday, May 30, 2025
Unemployed Man Daydreaming of A Sweet Copay
BROOKLYN, NY — A local unemployed man says there’s nothing quite like that feeling of walking out of the dentist’s office without having to ask about payment — and he’s starting to dream about it.
“In my daydream, they already process my copay with my insurance company before I walk out of the office. All I have to do is get my goodie bag of tooth care supplies and GTFO,” he said.
Thursday, May 29, 2025
Unemployed Man Pretty Sure He Bombed That Interview
BROOKLYN, NY — It started off with the perfect banter. Even the lagging delay of Zoom didn’t offset the flow of the back-and-forth between a local unemployed man and the hiring manager, who was even kind enough to be on time.
But it started to go off the rails when the unemployed man found himself freezing and scrambling for an answer in real time.
“You get that one question you weren’t expecting, your head isn’t in the right place, and you’re like Wile E. Coyote running on thin air not realizing he’s off a cliff,” he said.
“You know it’s really over when it’s winding down with time left on the clock, but no one steps in to keep it going. I’m putting that job in the ‘no’ category.”
Wednesday, May 28, 2025
Unemployed Man Totally Happy for Former Colleague Who Got the Job He Also Interviewed For A Month Earlier
BROOKLYN, NY — “Oh yeah, they 100% deserve it. Totally. I’m glad they got it,” he said.
Tuesday, May 27, 2025
Unemployed Man Watches Entire Season of The Rehearsal on a Tuesday
BROOKLYN, NY — After a long holiday weekend, a local unemployed man seemingly zoned out and binged all of The Rehearsal’s second season in a single day.
“I mean, I was doing some work on my laptop to find a job while I watched The Rehearsal. But yeah, apparently seven hours is both a very long time and not a very long time,” he said.
Friday, May 23, 2025
Unemployed Man Eats Six Sandwiches in One Week
BROOKLYN, NY — Fueling an intense job search that usually starts around 10AM, a local unemployed man managed to consume six medium- to large-sized sandwiches during his 5-day “work“ week. A feat he knew was possible but not exactly aspirational, he says he didn’t initially intend to tackle this achievement on purpose.
“It was a pretty intense week in my world as an unemployed person searching for a job,” he said. “Once Wednesday came around and I realized I was already up to three sandwiches, I figured I’d try to see how many I could knock out by Friday.”
After getting to four sandwiches on Thursday, he devised a loophole by getting up early on Friday (9AM) and eating a breakfast sandwich. It was then he knew he’d be able to easily get to six by lunch.
“It’s not something I want on my gravestone, but I’d wear it on a t-shirt,” he said.
Thursday, May 22, 2025
Unemployed Man Reluctantly Takes Interview
BROOKLYN, NY — Pained by a slow week on the job search, a local unemployed man agreed to an interview with a recruiter from one of those places that obviously takes a huge cut of the suggested salary as a finder’s fee.
“I don’t really expect anything to come out of it, but maybe making the connection will be useful in the future,” he said. When asked if any of the other times he did this has worked out in the past, he simply replied “Uh . . . no, actually.”
Wednesday, May 21, 2025
Unemployed Man Completes 5,000th Manual Workday Job Application
BROOKLYN, NY — Many said it couldn’t be done, but one local unemployed man has applied for 5,000 jobs by manually typing all of his information into Workday, possibly one of the most tedious and humiliating tasks ever completed.
“Well, I didn’t exactly aspire to this when I was younger, but it doesn’t take too long to copy and paste everything from my resume over and over again,” he said.
While Workday does have an option to import a resume to automatically fill in applications, it basically sucks and never works like it’s supposed to, forcing the burden onto the applicant.
“I mean, we’ve got AI programs telling us how to write our emails, but so far the big tech guys can’t crack this thing. Guess there’s still a good use for a human brain after all,” he said.
Tuesday, May 20, 2025
Unemployed Man Swears Next LinkedIn Post Could Be “The One”
BROOKLYN, NY — “I can scroll and scroll for hours looking for the LinkedIn post that contains the job that changes my situation,” says a local unemployed man. “A lot of people say LinkedIn is the worst social media site, but I’m the opposite — I think it’s the best one.”
The unemployed man said he can scroll for an average of 3-4 hours per day looking for jobs to apply to and then instantly get rejected from. “I have built up a tolerance to rejection, it’s very high,” he said.
Monday, May 19, 2025
Unemployed Man Has Nine Interviews in One Week, No Job Offer
BROOKLYN, NY — A local unemployed man recently had an incredible string of interviews in a single week, reaping the downstream effects of a very fruitful period of applying to jobs and reaching out to make connections.
From Monday to Friday, he had nine separate conversations with nine separate people about two different job roles, in what many are saying is “the most batshit crazy thing one must do to simply get a job in marketing.”
But even with all of that effort, both roles ended up falling through for different reasons. And despite the disappointment, the unemployed man is maintaining positivity.
“I made it really far to get to this point, for the privilege of interviewing with nine different people. So I know it’s not me. I know the job market is crazy right now, but I also know I’m walking in and delivering my absolute best. I’m spending tons of time preparing. I’m doing my research. I’m putting on the clown makeup every day,” he said.