Wednesday, June 11, 2025

Unemployed Man Picks Up His Fourth New Hobby

BROOKLYN, NY — First, it was collaging. Then, it was learning to play the piano. Next, he got very serious about folding table napkins into animals like they do on cruise ships.

But the latest hobby for a local unemployed man is the most ambitious and annoying one yet.

“I’m interviewing random people on the street and asking them how much money they would pay me to do random things on my Dare List,” he said.

The so-called Dare List includes things like breakdancing on the sidewalk, eating a live goldfish, and screaming “penis” as loud as he can.

And how’s the money so far? It depends on the day.

“One guy gave me five bucks to turn all of my clothes inside out. On that same day, someone paid me ten for the shirt I was wearing. It was one of my nicer ones from Madewell and he saw the label,” he said. “I really liked that shirt too, so I’m only wearing cheap t-shirts when I go out with the Dare List now.”

Asked how long he plans to stick with this hobby, he seems unsure.

“The most I’ve made in a day is fifty dollars, but I also had to buy three goldfish at PetSmart. I netted maybe thirty, and I felt bad later. From upset stomach, not from eating the goldfish,” he said. “So I think if I keep doing this, I’ll probably take that one off the list.”

Tuesday, June 10, 2025

Unemployed Man Getting Really Fast at Filing for Weekly Unemployment Benefits

BROOKLYN, NY — “When my fingers are warmed up, I can knock it out in like 8 seconds,” said a local unemployed man who has committed the buttons and dropdown boxes on the unemployment claims website to memory.

“It’s pretty easy. It’s just ‘zero, no, none, NA, yes, no, no, no' and then you hit submit. It’s more like a game the way I do it, and then you get paid,” he said, his smile fading.

Monday, June 9, 2025

Unemployed Man Gets Brief Flash of Hope Every Time An Email Comes Through

BROOKLYN, NY — It may just be microseconds, but it’s enough dopamine to keep a local unemployed man laser focused on switching tabs to his email inbox once every half hour.

“That possibility that one of those emails could be about a job really keeps me going. Well, that and the need to find a job so that I have healthcare,” he said.

“The rush is even bigger when it’s from a real person’s name and not one of the 400 promotional emails about retail sales, pills, cheap flights, Substacks, bills, bitcoin, or Hypebeast,” he said.

Friday, June 6, 2025

Unemployed Man Almost Posts Cringe Inspirational LinkedIn Message

BROOKLYN, NY — His cursor was hovering over the “post” button, a close call that nearly put a local unemployed man into a category of LinkedIn users that have been described as optimistic, cheery, and try-hard.

“I tend to avoid that type of attention-seeking behavior,” he said, “and I almost caved in a moment of desperation.”

Struggling with “staying top of mind,” among a basket of other annoying buzzy phrases, the man said he was looking for a way to use the platform to do what most people are on there doing: content hacking the algorithm for engagement.

“It’s always ‘algorithm this, algorithm that,’ like, how ‘bout you all-go-rhythm-ically [redacted] yourselves,” he said.

Thursday, June 5, 2025

Unemployed Man Invents New Sitting Position Specifically for Job Searching

BROOKLYN, NY — He’s never taken a serious yoga class, but a local unemployed man spends each day contorting his body into an efficient, job-searching, organic machine.

“Those manuals that tell you how to sit up straight at a desk have it all wrong. That’s not how you do it if you want to maximize productivity finding a job,” he said. “It’s actually more of a half sit, half lay, but on your side. Laptop in front of you. And you have to build your toe muscles so you can grab things from a nearby surface without getting up.”

Demonstrating the maneuver, he added “Another reason this is optimal is that if you get sleepy, you can just pass out for a few minutes, easy peasy. And when you wake up, maybe you have some emails to read. It’s really foolproof.”

Wednesday, June 4, 2025

Unemployed Man Downloads 38th Productivity App

BROOKLYN, NY — Pushing the boundaries of the capacity of both his iPhone and his mental state, a local unemployed man has just downloaded yet another productivity app, in what can only be described as evidence that something isn’t working.

Reached for comment, the man says he’s focusing on small wins.

“At first you think an app is going to change your whole life around. Get you to work out everyday. Overhaul your diet. Journal when you wake up. But nah, I think downloading the app itself is a productive step. It shows intent, even if you never open it. My small wins are adding up,” he said.

Tuesday, June 3, 2025

Unemployed Man Getting Coffee With Just About Anyone

BROOKLYN, NY — Friends, old colleagues, street buskers, and even his Uber driver are just a handful of the people a local unemployed man has recently approached to have a coffee.

“I started doing this to catch up, build my network, and find job leads,” he said. “After a few hundred coffees, I needed more. New people to do caffeine with. I was asking random people to get coffee, people passing by on the sidewalk or on the train. Maybe they have a job I can do. Maybe they want to connect. Whatever I need to get my coffee fix.”

Monday, June 2, 2025

Unemployed Man Takes Another 2 PM Shower

BROOKLYN, NY — Without the restrictions of typical office hours, a local unemployed man decided to roll into the shower at 2 PM for a third straight day.

His neighbors haven’t said anything because they’re normal people with regular jobs, which has done wonders for the amount of hot water he can use when he’s in there.

“I can shower for 20, 30 minutes straight,” he said. “No one bothers me, I don’t run out of hot water, and I can even play WORDLE on my phone when I’m in there.”

Friday, May 30, 2025

Unemployed Man Daydreaming of A Sweet Copay

BROOKLYN, NY — A local unemployed man says there’s nothing quite like that feeling of walking out of the dentist’s office without having to ask about payment — and he’s starting to dream about it.

“In my daydream, they already process my copay with my insurance company before I walk out of the office. All I have to do is get my goodie bag of tooth care supplies and GTFO,” he said.

Thursday, May 29, 2025

Unemployed Man Pretty Sure He Bombed That Interview

BROOKLYN, NY — It started off with the perfect banter. Even the lagging delay of Zoom didn’t offset the flow of the back-and-forth between a local unemployed man and the hiring manager, who was even kind enough to be on time.

But it started to go off the rails when the unemployed man found himself freezing and scrambling for an answer in real time.

“You get that one question you weren’t expecting, your head isn’t in the right place, and you’re like Wile E. Coyote running on thin air not realizing he’s off a cliff,” he said.

“You know it’s really over when it’s winding down with time left on the clock, but no one steps in to keep it going. I’m putting that job in the ‘no’ category.”

Wednesday, May 28, 2025

Unemployed Man Totally Happy for Former Colleague Who Got the Job He Also Interviewed For A Month Earlier

BROOKLYN, NY — “Oh yeah, they 100% deserve it. Totally. I’m glad they got it,” he said.

Tuesday, May 27, 2025

**Unemployed Man Watches Entire Season of The Rehearsal on a Tuesday**

BROOKLYN, NY — After a long holiday weekend, a local unemployed man seemingly zoned out and binged all of The Rehearsal’s second season in a single day.

“I mean, I was doing some work on my laptop to find a job while I watched The Rehearsal. But yeah, apparently seven hours is both a very long time and not a very long time,” he said.

Friday, May 23, 2025

Unemployed Man Eats Six Sandwiches in One Week

BROOKLYN, NY — Fueling an intense job search that usually starts around 10AM, a local unemployed man managed to consume six medium- to large-sized sandwiches during his 5-day “work“ week. A feat he knew was possible but not exactly aspirational, he says he didn’t initially intend to tackle this achievement on purpose.

“It was a pretty intense week in my world as an unemployed person searching for a job,” he said. “Once Wednesday came around and I realized I was already up to three sandwiches, I figured I’d try to see how many I could knock out by Friday.”

After getting to four sandwiches on Thursday, he devised a loophole by getting up early on Friday (9AM) and eating a breakfast sandwich. It was then he knew he’d be able to easily get to six by lunch.

“It’s not something I want on my gravestone, but I’d wear it on a t-shirt,” he said.

Thursday, May 22, 2025

Unemployed Man Reluctantly Takes Interview

BROOKLYN, NY — Pained by a slow week on the job search, a local unemployed man agreed to an interview with a recruiter from one of those places that obviously takes a huge cut of the suggested salary as a finder’s fee.

“I don’t really expect anything to come out of it, but maybe making the connection will be useful in the future,” he said. When asked if any of the other times he did this has worked out in the past, he simply replied “Uh . . . no, actually.”

Wednesday, May 21, 2025

Unemployed Man Completes 5,000th Manual Workday Job Application

BROOKLYN, NY — Many said it couldn’t be done, but one local unemployed man has applied for 5,000 jobs by manually typing all of his information into Workday, possibly one of the most tedious and humiliating tasks ever completed.

“Well, I didn’t exactly aspire to this when I was younger, but it doesn’t take too long to copy and paste everything from my resume over and over again,” he said.

While Workday does have an option to import a resume to automatically fill in applications, it basically sucks and never works like it’s supposed to, forcing the burden onto the applicant.

“I mean, we’ve got AI programs telling us how to write our emails, but so far the big tech guys can’t crack this thing. Guess there’s still a good use for a human brain after all,” he said.

Tuesday, May 20, 2025

Unemployed Man Swears Next LinkedIn Post Could Be “The One”

BROOKLYN, NY — “I can scroll and scroll for hours looking for the LinkedIn post that contains the job that changes my situation,” says a local unemployed man. “A lot of people say LinkedIn is the worst social media site, but I’m the opposite — I think it’s the best one.”

The unemployed man said he can scroll for an average of 3-4 hours per day looking for jobs to apply to and then instantly get rejected from. “I have built up a tolerance to rejection, it’s very high,” he said.

Monday, May 19, 2025

Unemployed Man Has Nine Interviews in One Week, No Job Offer

BROOKLYN, NY — A local unemployed man recently had an incredible string of interviews in a single week, reaping the downstream effects of a very fruitful period of applying to jobs and reaching out to make connections.

From Monday to Friday, he had nine separate conversations with nine separate people about two different job roles, in what many are saying is “the most batshit crazy thing one must do to simply get a job in marketing.”

But even with all of that effort, both roles ended up falling through for different reasons. And despite the disappointment, the unemployed man is maintaining positivity.

“I made it really far to get to this point, for the privilege of interviewing with nine different people. So I know it’s not me. I know the job market is crazy right now, but I also know I’m walking in and delivering my absolute best. I’m spending tons of time preparing. I’m doing my research. I’m putting on the clown makeup every day,” he said.